20140215

三相點


我常有跳進黑洞裡的一個衝動。
 
我的名字裡有一個「翔」字。
 
小時候,住家後面有一條巷子,那是往我們家與隔鄰所共用的小信箱來去的路。這一條路很直,並通我們區左右的兩大馬路,所以經常會有大卡車凌馳而過,造成許多凹凸不平,大大小小的磧坑,而下雨時,這一些痕陷就變成繁密並殊形妙狀的一干小溏子。
 
每天拿信,寄信,記憶總會濺上小坑子裡的積水,濺在小腿上,等到回家,一滴一滴的水漬子已風乾,留下似星斗般的泥點。那些坑裡的水,似乎永遠是骯髒的。
 
到晚上,那條巷上重多畸形的小湖泊,卻會烏亮起來。共同映著屋燈,路燈,月亮,和星光,一片一片的,拍浮,及閃爍著。波紋裡,可以看到自己濁暗不晰,眾多分解,溶合,又分解的倒影。小時候看總想著,試試選一個,跳進去,能不能像似卡通般的通過到某種顛反平行世界。而那邊的自己,是否亦在想同樣的問題,並望回來?
 
我凝視深淵時,深淵也凝視著我。


在洗澡。
 
突然在眼角裡瞥見邊似有什麼東西在動著。當時是在gym的公用淋浴裡,只我一人,淋浴隔成三道,每道有三個蓮蓬,道間隔著米色的瓷磚牆。浴裡的白熱燈是隨動感應的,所以只有我這中間一道被照亮,再加上滾滾霧般的蒸氣,一團一團的,白蒙蒙的霧縷,非常像恐怖片典型開場。
 
起先以為那是垃圾或紙屑還是什麼的,隨著蒸氣,在拂動。糢糊,黑黑的一片,不規則狀的物,大約有一個拇指大的東西。好像是一撮浸濕搓揉並折疊的衛生紙,慢慢的被蒸氣蒸開來,舒展,膨脹。然後再漸漸被熱氣撫平。
 
再看清楚。不是。
 
螂。
 
這個小小的東西在蠕動著。緊貼著瓷磚牆與地的邊緣,仰起前身,兩隻前呈勾懸在空中,搖擺著它兩根鬚鬚,搓手捻掌。還像嘴裡還唸唸有詞一般,一副做禮拜的 樣子。不前進,也不後退。就住止於水泥縫裡。它大概知覺自己一動輒就可能會引起泱水之災。也或許,它在祈禱我這個人不會有什麼可怕的「突然動作,」使它流落黃泉。又或許,它只把我當作山、霧、雷、雨,與這世界的一切,亦無分二。我也許於一盤食物、一撮土、一塊灰塵,甚至一陣風,或,一道光,並毫無什麼差別。
 
我關了水,然後輕輕的走了出去。


上星期天剛從舊金山父親葬禮回到家,開三天車,感覺整個人都還沒調整過來。好像身邊事物、空間都還在輕微微的晃動著,自己也隨著動前進,其實哪裡也沒去。只是塌躺在床上,跟隨它慢慢流著,流著,陽光透簾射映在牆上成為波狀,白瀠瀠,毫無溫度,一漣一漣的光。累。又睡不著,全身像發了條發到底,緩慢卻又終止不了的玩偶,漪繞,及沈浮在某一個小小的漩渦,一個時空,漂過去,又漂回來。
 
外面在下雪。
 
(是的,德州。雪。德州已將近三十年沒有下雪了。)
 
停業的停業,停課的停課。

街上,窗外一慣經過車輛的咻咻聲,什麼都沒有。
 
只是雪。輕輕的,緩緩的,落下來,一片,又接一片,的寂靜。白色的寂靜。
 
我就在無溫的光圜裡,看著無聲的雪。
 
外面世界停止了。我的世界卻停不了。

20140214


20131221

When someone observes you, you exist as a particle. When unobserved, you become a wave.
- someone on YouTube

20131212

(Same-sex) Marriage


Anyone who cares that much about what goes on in other people's lives should take a hard look at their own.

20131206

Today

Saw a stuffed elephant doll wedged in between the steel poles in the center of the bus stop gazebo. The doll was light canary yellow, nylon fabric, dressed in a pink vest and shorts with big ears and a tea cup handle-shaped trunk, smiling at the traffic going by.

I thought it was Ganesha, in common clothes. Maybe gods are like celebrities: they're not always in makeup and costume. They need groceries, too. When they are off-duty.

*

6:30, morning, misty, a bar with its doors shuttered. (Heard it was a gay bar--never been.) The architecture of the building was French colonial, with a flat roof, double doors, porch, archways, columns. Like the style in New Orleans. All the facades were painted green--an under-pool green.

*

Making tea. Mint tea. With cold water.

I've always made tea with cold water. I don't like drinking hot tea, don't know why.

Maybe it's too much trouble, to heat the water. To have to wait, take one small sip after another. I can taste the tea more when it's cold. I drop the teabag into a glass of cold water. Curiously, the chemicals that begin leaching from the leaves inside the pouch into the clear water, are bright red, blood red. In thin, blood vessel-like strands, they, in, slow motion, unfurl, untangle, and sink, to the bottom of the glass. The water at the bottom of the glass gradually turns a light reddish rust brown, while the top stays clear. Finally, after some time, the red strands slow down, to the point of being in complete suspended animation in the transparent liquid. The pouch has turned blackish brown: it almost looks as if the glass of water had a heart, and the red strands were its capillaries. As if it were a living thing.

Maybe that's why I like making tea with cold water. Because I like watching this.

*

Answered a phone call. Looked at who it was on the caller id. Then (before drinking tea) answered with that person's name as my own.

Felt I was talking to myself in another universe. Except I was the one in the other universe.

Laughed. But still felt a little weird the rest of the day.         

20131205